My New Years Resolution

Every year we make them declaring that this will be the year that we do this or that! However apparently only 1 in 11 of us actually keep them. I can't think of one I've stuck to at all especially if it includes the typical losing weight! I find it a lot more entertaining to think of stuff to change than to actually follow it through. So, on the lead up to one particular New Year I wondered what my resolution was going to be. Was there any point, as I knew I wouldn’t keep it?

At that time I was dating this guy who was I’m glad to say relatively normal. He didn’t seem to have any mental problems that I had discovered so all was good. I was happy to be dating someone that made me happy. The relationship had no drama and just flowed. Simple.

A friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in ages got in touch and we arranged to have a catch up. Of course I was going to tell her all about this guy  I was dating and I did. But then she said something I totally didn’t expect.

‘I know you and this isn’t you’

What!

I had no idea what she was on about of course it was me. This is me! I am always me right?

It left me thinking quite a bit, running everything over, again and again and by the time I got home I realised she was right. I hadn’t even noticed it as the change in me was ever so subtle. Then all of a sudden, the relationship that seemed to have no drama, that I thought just flowed and was so simple seemed to become ever so complicated!

It was true I wasn’t being me. I hadn’t changed totally just a little bit here and there perhaps to make the relationship work? Maybe that’s why I thought it was so easy, because one of us was lying to make that happen.

So my New Year’s resolution since then has been to be true to myself and to always be me. I really hope it's one that I can keep...

'Sexy' Barman

Its funny how you can have THE best relationship with someone through texting and phone calls but then when you meet… well that’s a whole different story! Why is that? Why is it that you can talk for hours on end on the phone with someone and then when it comes to meeting them in real life, face to face, it can feel awkward and all of a sudden you have nothing to say? I feel like I'm the same person over the phone as I am face to face so it’s a mystery to me. But sexy barman was one of those people.

He and I shared the exact same sense of humour. We would text each other none stop during the day and in the evening talk for hours, the conversation just flowed so easily, so effortlessly. I had more or less started to come off the site and uni was now taking up my evenings. It was only until he had mentioned that I realised, we’d been talking for about two months and never met!! It didn't even seem weird. We’d tell each other about who we went on dates with, what work was like etc It was almost like we had automatically fallen into the ‘friendship zone.’

So, you know how that saying that goes ‘leave well enough alone’?...He had suggested a restaurant in North London but that’s all he would tell me apart from what tube stop it was. I was so certain that this was going to be a good date, I mean how could it not be?!  Right?

The best part of the whole date was seeing him at the tube station as I hadn't seen him since he gave me his number all that time ago. And yep, that was about it…

We did the usual kiss on the cheek and hug then walked started walking to the restaurant, I lead the conversation for a little bit giving him the low down on random stuff. Then silence… he looked at me and smiled then more silence. I asked him a few questions and he gave me one word answers. I absolutely HATE it when people do that! You’re not under interrogation so feel free to speak at will my friend. He seemed to know everyone at the restaurant. And then he spoke and I wished he just stayed quiet. 

‘Hey Bob isn’t she the most beautiful black girl you’ve ever seen!’

‘Joey, come take a look. I told you! Never seen a black girl like her have you!’

I SWEAR I have never been so aware of being THE only black person in a place in all my life (until I went to Deal but that’s a whole different story!)

Now everyone was looking at me and I just smiled. I was in shock, I mean who does that?! Ok fine get over it I thought to myself, it could be taken as a compliment right? So that’s how I was going to take it. Sitting at the table he was just staring at me, he didn't speak he just stared. I wasn't even sure he was blinking. And then he spoke and again I wish he hadn't.

‘How does it feel to be black?’

(Say what now?)

‘Excuse me?’

‘How does it feel? I’ve always wanted to know.’

‘Errrmmm…. ‘ I was literally lost for words at this point.  And then I said what I say when I don’t know if answering the question sarcastically or rudely is the best way. ‘ I'm not sure how to answer that question to be honest’

Another smile and he was back to staring at me.  He was starting to creep me out; this date was definitely going to end early. I began to talk about the décor of the place, using it as an excuse to look around checking that there was no one standing behind me with a machete in their hands. Then out of the blue …

‘I mean don’t get me wrong I love black people…’

Now I was the one staring at him not blinking trying to understand what the hell was going on!

‘ I'm happy for you. Is this what you consider normal conversation?’

‘Oh I get it. You don’t like being black.’

(Cheque Please!)

Having already decided that I was leaving because I simply couldn't make head or tails of this conversation he was trying to have I asked him what had happened?  What had happened to the cool smooth funny intelligent guy I’d been talking to for months?! He didn't have an answer he just stared at me, STILL! So I told him I was leaving and I did just that. Every one watched as I got up, part of me felt like tap dancing out of there to give them all the show they’d clearly been waiting for. But I thought better of it though I did give them all a wave. And SB, well he just sat there and watched me walk out. When I got outside I hesitate for a moment, surely he’d come after me?...

By the time I got to the tube station I had two missed calls from him. Maybe this whole thing was a joke? Was he playing a trick on me? Then a text came through ‘Really enjoyed tonight. Hope we can do it again soon x’ Needles to say I had no reply…

A few months later I was out in Covent Garden having a few drinks with friends and I saw SB, standing outside in a corner smoking. I had to do a few takes at first before I was certain. Seeing him like that made me miss him, the him I knew from our phone calls and texts, not the him in person. We moved on from that bar and I had moved on from him.

A few weeks later I got another text...

‘Still the most beautiful black girl I've ever seen x’

Right side of the wrong bed...

I began to wake up slowly, head pounding and slightly spinning… All of a sudden my stomach tightened the way it does when you think you’re about to throw up…I was still drunk and if I had any doubts, my breath confirmed it! I leaned over to get out of bed and banged my head against the wall… I collapsed back into bed, hand on my head trying to magically heal my now ever more present headache when I realised that there is no wall by my bed… My bed is in the middle of my room so how did the wall get there?! I slowly turn over and see a white wall which now has a small brown stain from where the leftover make up on my forehead has now smudged on to. Riiight… this was not my room or my bed… I was in the wrong bed! How very curious this all was…

Thankfully, I’m more or less fully clothed, I turn to my left and see the back of someone… he looked familiar, even from behind. The way his hair curled at the top of his neck, I spent hours playing with those curls, I adored those curls…. OR it was someone with very similar curly hair! I sit up and scan the room; yup it’s his room all right. He starts to stir slightly and I freeze, I mean literally freeze and hold my breath like that’s going to help. He shifts but doesn’t wake, not yet anyway. I couldn’t have him see me like this! I didn’t even know what my face looked like! Clearly I still had makeup on even though half of it was still on the not so white anymore wall! For some reason I tried to remove the evidence and in doing so spread my make up further around… great! I hate White walls! No doubt my mascara and eye liner had escaped from their original position and made their way towards my cheeks. I dreaded to think what the pillow even looked like. I lifted my head slightly and yup… there is was… my second face all over his pillow. I told him that his white pillow cases wouldn’t last long with me around! I had no sympathy; I really didn’t as he had been warned. I can’t be trusted around such clean and white things…

I needed to get up and get to a bathroom (killer breath) or at least a mirror so when he woke up I didn’t look like the Bride of Frankenstein. But to be honest I didn’t even really know where I was nor did I have the energy, so I lay back down and fell asleep….

What must have been a few hours later, I began to wake up slowly, head now really throbbing. I leaned over to get out of bed and banged my head on the wall AGAIN! Then remembered I was in the wrong bed, this was not my room. He turned over and opened his eyes before I had a chance to pretend I was asleep! I was expecting some sort of gasp or scream even but nothing, just his gorgeous smile. All he said was ‘morning beautiful’ and then lay down and pulled to lay down next to him…

I wasn’t quite sure how I ended up in this room let alone this bed but I knew for sure I was definitely in the right place…

‘I wanna be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed…' Ed Sheeran

Happie Belated Birthday to ME!

I celebrated yet another birthday as a singleton. Even though I had high hopes for this year, unfortunately I had to face reality. And as hard as it was, it just wasn’t possible. I had to get a grip on reality so I knew I was going to be single and was prepared… well almost.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s to be realistic and accept the choices you’ve made. At this point at this time, me being single is a choice… My choice…

So, being single I knew I had to spoil myself on my birthday as there was no one who was going to buy my the outfit or the shoes I wanted. No one was going to treat me to get my hair done, or arrange a party. I did it alone. I bought my own dress, bought my own shoes, got my hair done and arranged the party and it was all fabulous.

No matter how hard I try and convince myself otherwise, I am a hopeless romantic. It’s just fact. I want to believe in happy ever after, in the fairy-tale, in old fashioned romance… I refuse to believe it doesn’t exist anymore!

Another birthday being single, getting older... you start to wonder. What if? What if it doesn’t happen for me this ‘happily ever after’ notion that I seemed so obsessed with?... Honestly I have no answer for that as it slightly scares me and why it scares me is another question all together...

All I know right now is that I have no ring on my finger, no man by my side... Just me, which is not so bad as I get to figure out who I am and who I want to be…

‘It’s only ever possible to live happily ever after on a day-today basis’ Margaret Bonnano

Happie Mothers Day

My Mummy is always by our side no matter what. 

She holds our hands when we're lonely, 


cuddles us when we're afraid, 


carries us when we can't take the pain anymore. 


Regardless of what is going on in her life, 
my sister and I are her number one always. 


She'll go to war so we don't have to. 


God sent us an angel. 


We love you mummy


xxx

Mr Scottish

He had moved to Scotland. He wasn’t happy in London and even though I knew he wasn't completely happy, at the time I didn’t know why. I thought that maybe I could give him a reason to be happier at least. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Mr Scottish was very grumpy but there was something quite sweet to it at times. Other times I just used to let him vent it out. If things didn't go his way he had to moan for a good while but then he was fine. 


His email, if I remember correctly, stated that he needed time to think and sort things out. As far as I was now concerned it was all irrelevant. When you’ve been dating someone, regardless of whether it’s official or not, they deserve to know what’s going on. Someone who has time to constantly ‘check in’ on Facebook and update their status is clearly not in a state of despair. So I left him to it. We messaged occasionally nothing major. Then a few months later he said he was coming down to London and we should meet up for dinner. All fine by me, I wasn’t angry at him anymore; I no longer expected anything from him. We were just friends now...

To be fair, any time I asked for advice from him he’d always given me the time I needed till this very day he’ll talk me through anything. Even when I’ve approached him with the craziest of ideas, he’s always given me the time to hear it out and talk me back into reality (if needed). But also never rubbishing anything I say, never making me feel like my ideas are nonsense and always reassuring me, letting me know that I’m capable of greatness. I appreciate him probably more than he knows, so dinner it was. 

Mr Scottish left it up to me to pick a restaurant (never a good idea). He was staying in Kings Cross so I attempted to find something around there. Now, there are certain things that I dislike, hate would be too much of a strong word to use, dislike is sufficient enough. For example I dislike supermarkets. The fact that everything is spread out over several different aisles annoys me. One thing is in aisle four and the next in aisle ten, its nonsense! I’m not sure if I expect there to be one long never ending aisle or for the things I need to just magically appear in my hand once I arrive… I dislike restaurant menus. I just can’t be bothered to read them… And I dislike having to choose a restaurant to go to, though now it’s not so bad if I have to pick, but back then I really disliked it…

Nevertheless… I came straight from work feeling nervous about the Indian restaurant that I had picked and also wondering why I picked Indian when their menus are just too much for me to handle (?!) I love Indian food but really dislike, maybe even on the cusp of hate, their menus. Also, don’t ever arrange to meet someone at Kings Cross; it’s the worst station to meet at! There’s Kings Cross, then there’s St Pancras, two different stations at are at the same stop… Somehow you can get off the tube at Kings Cross and end up in a queue for the Euro star at St Pancras station! Yes I’ve done it and I’ve also taken a train to Luton airport when in fact I needed to go to Elstree…  It’s just confusing!

Anyway, I manage to find my way out of the station and see that I have a missed call from him. I call back and we figure out where to meet each other as we were both at different ends of the station. Making him out in the distance I started to feel a bit anxious and nervous but I wasn’t sure why… On closer inspection he looked different, sexier and I couldn’t tell what it was at first. Then he hugged me and my stomach flipped, I don’t think I’d realised how much I’d missed him until then… As we began to walk towards the restaurant I realised what it was, why he looked so different, he was happy! I’d never seen him be totally happy with no grumpiness involved. This was going to be interesting…

The restaurant was … well… empty. (I told you I’m no good at picking!)  For a split second I thought Mr Scottish was going to refuse enter (it was near diabolical) but he didn’t. He made light of the situation and as always made me laugh…  So dinner was really fun; it felt comfortable almost like old times but better. This was the new Mr Scottish, the man who just seemed lifted and content.

Dinner was over far too quickly, I wasn’t ready but time was up.... that was it, it was over. He was gone. I didn’t want him to go, but I also didn’t know how to ask him to stay because I’d be asking him to stay just for me. Would that have been a selfish thing to ask?  Or to reconsider the notion of us… Was there ever even an us, a proper us? I just didn’t have the words but at the same time I wanted him to say it…. I guess I wanted him to want me enough to stay. 

But that was it, He was gone...

Chez Gérard - Day 5 - Conclusion

Walking to the restaurant Berkeley was doing most of the talking. All I knew was that I needed alcohol and lots of it. That’s how I was going to make it through this. Before the waiter could even speak I ordered two cocktails and a bottle of wine. Let the drinking commence…

Cocktails drunk and wine flowing, I was now ready to confront the situation… but first I needed to pee. On the way to the ladies I did a full scan of the place, sexy barman was nowhere to be seen. I still hadn’t text him, so I did it while on the loo. What better place to think of something witty to write?!

‘Cocktails don’t taste the same & you’re missing my date with someone’s granddad. Strawberry x 

That’s the best I could come up with. Now back to the situation at hand.

‘So… you look slightly different from your picture’ (you lying old man)

And then came a sound that I hadn’t heard in a while. He chuckled!  Chuckled!! It wasn’t a laugh; it was a chuckle, a kind of chuckle that only old men produce with their shoulders bouncing up and down. I couldn’t cope, more wine needed to be had.

‘Yes indeed, you are very correct’ he smiled…..

‘Ok, and why would that be?’ (You lying old chuckling man)

Another chuckle, (Stop chuckling you old man liar!)

Confession time:

He decided to use the picture as it was the best one he had and he lied about his age, which was more than evident! It turns out he was 55. I tried not to spit out my drink when he admitted it, though I’m sure I vomited in my mouth then swiftly washed it down with wine. So now what? Well clearly there would be no big country mansion wedding for us…

I was bored. Ok he was older than I expected and he looked ready to be checked into a retirement home but more importantly there was no connection. He seemed quite content chatting away, however, I needed an escape plan and thankfully I’m the kind of person who always has a plan…Do not ask me where my plans come from, they just come and when they do, I feel compelled to follow them through to the very end.

So, we’re at dinner. The whole point is to eat and talk. So my plan was to eat my food really quickly. Once I’ve finished eating we could leave. Perfect. Let the plan commence…

I literally shovelled the food into my mouth storing food in both cheeks in the hope to finish faster. I honestly couldn’t get it in fast enough. I wasn’t listening to him, all my concentration was on the food until he chuckled. Not at me, but at his own boring story. So I chuckled back sarcastically but what I didn’t take into account was the food rammed into my mouth. It came out, not just on my plate but all the way to his and then there was saliva. That also came out, and not just a tiny bit, probably the longest string I’d seen in a while. It was like the food was using it as an escape route to climb down. Then there was silence…

I felt compelled to laugh, mostly due to the disgusted look on his face. But I thought it best to remove the saliva still running from my chin to the table crawling towards him.  Perfect gentleman as always he didn’t say a word, just carried on talking.  So, the food was finished. Well, some of it was now back on my plate in a regurgitated mush, but I was done eating. Great, Cheque please garçon!... Nope, as usual I hadn’t thought this plan through properly at all.  The food that I had just stuffed into my mouth then kindly regurgitated was only the starter…

I sat through the rest of the date which seemed to be dragging, my phone was in my bag (as I think it’s rude to have it out when you’re on a date) and I don’t wear a watch so I had no concept of time.  I kept tilting my head every so often to see if I could make out the time on his watch which was slightly poking out of his sleeve. No such luck.  After what seemed like an age he said

‘Did you want desert?’

‘NO’ I said slightly louder than I intended. Then I added the thank you.

We were out of the restaurant and I was dying to check my phone. I waited till we said our goodbyes.  I decided to walk a bit as it was such a nice evening after I made sure I was going in the opposite direction he was.  Those evenings in summer, when it stays warm and humid late into the night are my favourite. Its moments like those when you realise why you put yourself through the horror that is dating, so you can share it with someone. Someone you care about...

I had spent five consecutive days dating five different men who had all taken me to the same restaurant and yet … nothing…

Ned and I kept talking for a bit but not for long. He said that he wanted to take me to the Eden project in Cornwall and I was genuinely excited, I mean it was his idea. Why would he mention it if he didn’t want to go? Well he had a sudden change of mind one day when he decided to email me detailing why we would 'fit together'…. in hindsight he was probably right but at the time I was disappointed.

Richard messaged a few times randomly apologising mainly and asking for a second chance.  I didn’t reply to any of them, and then he said he had the perfect guy to set me up with! Then his ‘friend’ started messaging me keeping in mind I had not yet replied to one message it all seemed a bit random and crazy!

Jason and I stayed in touch and are still good friends. I met his boyfriend who is just as equally as gorgeous.

Ray was a sweetie, making sure I got home ok, messaging me the next day to say that he had a good time and can we do it again… even though I had no desire to I said yes. I was willing to give him a second chance… but no need to because it fizzled before it even started, we never met up again...

And then there was Berkeley…  I think you’ve already guessed that I wasn’t eager to go there EVER again.

There was still sexy barman, even though I still didn’t know his name! I checked my phone as I got on the tube and sexy barman had replied... twice…

This is what it’s about, dating, meeting strangers and seeing if you get on, seeing if you want to spend time with them. You’ll never know unless you try I guess so…  

Here we go again…!!!