Sunday, August 28, 2011

Chez Gérard - Day Four

I got into work tired as hell; all this dating was catching up with me. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so eager to ram so many dates into one week. All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep. Ok so I’d make up some excuse and suggest we rebook. No big deal. Ok great… Then I get a text from Ray. ‘We still on for tonight, can’t wait x’ Dammit! Now I feel guilty. So instead of replying ‘No, go away, I need sleep.’ I end up confirming. Typical to my life the day dragged. I was missing my bed and was also angry at myself that I would not being seeing it straight after work. But I had only myself to blame and I was fading, fast.

Now, there’s no point turning up to a date worn-out and fed up before it’s already started. If you’re going, give them a fair shot. So I told myself to get a grip and got some red bull on my lunch break. The plan was to drink it an hour or so before I left work and then it would kick in when I met Ray. However, I was getting drowsier by the second, so I drank it right after my lunch. About an hour later I seemed to have a headache so I took some Nurofen. By the time I left work, I still felt tired, so decided to get another Red Bull. I didn’t think anything of it the time, I mean I’m not really one to drink energy drinks anyway. But trust me when I say that taking Nurofen mixed with Red bull is NOT a good idea. I know that now…

Waiting at Holborn I couldn’t have been more excited or anxious or... buzzed and when I saw Ray I ran towards him. What started out as a hug ended up as me nearly mounting him, true story. I had somehow managed to wrap my right leg around his knee, my left around his ankle and my arms around his neck! To say he was startled would be an understatement. To this day, I’m still not even sure how I got into that position so quickly. He unpeeled me off his body and asked if I was alright. I’m not sure I even knew I wasn’t at that point.

Ray wanted to eat at a restaurant that his work colleagues had recommended, Chez Gérard. But when he said the name, he all of a sudden developed this accent (obviously it was meant to be French) so it sounded like he said Share Jeer-rad-de… GREAT news for me! I’d never heard of this place before. I was too busy worrying about if I was going to make it to the end of the date in one piece to realise where we were going. 

As we got to Convent Garden, I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. Anyone that’s walked from Holborn to Covent Garden will know it’s not far at all. Though I seemed to be shaking ever so slightly and every step I took seem to send my heart into palpitations. I’m not sure Ray even noticed and if he did, he didn’t show it at all. By now I was feeling sick, like I was literally about to spew everywhere.  He kept talking and no way was I listening to what he was saying, but on reflection he seemed quite content talking without me actually responding. I desperately needed to stop walking.

‘Helene, why are you speaking so loudly?’
I wasn’t. Loud doesn’t even come close. I was literally shouting, like a mad woman. By this time I was off my face! I was shaking, randomly scratching myself; my left eye seemed to be twitching involuntarily and I won’t even go into detail about the amount of times I’d farted. Ray was now staring at me and all I could do was stare back, I didn’t even know what to say and was scared what would come out of my mouth if I dared to speak. He smiled and got out his phone and said we were less than 5 minutes away. Chez Gérard wasn’t far…. HANG ON A MINUTE. With no silly accent I realised where we were going. I stopped and shook my head (Not really sure if this was part of the crazy body spasms I was having)
‘Why are you shaking your head?’
‘You didn’t say that we were going to Chez Gérard’
‘Yes I did’
‘No, you said Share jeer-rad-de’
‘Yes.’ And then he said the two names with and without the stupid accent. Why do people try and put on an accent when they can’t do it properly? It’s dumb! Don’t do it! It confuses people!
‘Do you want to go somewhere else?’ (Now this was my way out. I would answer yes and then we would go to another place. Simple! Right)
‘Yes I do.’
‘Ok sure, ladies choice of course’. Good man. I was saved, so I thought…‘I hear it’s a really good place, just out of curiosity why don’t you want to go?’ So this is the perfect example of why you should think before you speak. I should have told him the truth, or rather a version of the truth (I didn’t want him knowing I’d been on a date every day that week) So, I could have told him I’d already been earlier in the week. But instead I said…

Again with the shouting and I don’t even know where this statement came from. I have nothing against anything French! So, I actually confused myself by saying this. 
‘Do you hate French people and their food?'
Beads of sweat now forming as I try and think of an answer, but it’s hard as I’m still confused by the last answer I gave!
'I have nothing against any person or persons of any race and or religion of any kind and or shape or form and race or the French’ (No this sentence doesn't make sense but that’s what I said!) 

Ray told me I needed to broaden my horizons and try new things blah blah blah BLAH. So I’m standing at the bar waiting for my drink (yes I was going to add alcohol into the mix) and all I could keep repeating to myself was Share Jeer-rad-de, Share Jeer-rad-de, Share Jeer-rad-de…

‘That’s the worst French accent I've heard yet’ Ah but of course, my barman was back. Actually, he was quite cute and I’d never noticed before. He winked and was gone as quick as that. Ray reappeared and started his blabbering about goodness only knows what. For some reason he was slowly turning French! I couldn’t understand half of what he was saying; I was too drained to decipher his rubbish accentI’d had enough, the alcohol wasn’t helping and my farting situation was getting worse(To fart outside in a crowd of people is one thing, but when eating in a restaurant, it’s completely another level let me tell you!) I endured dinner as Ray seemed so eager to show me how amazing French food could be, even though I had eaten it every single day so far I tried to play along.  But it was still sweet, I mean he hadn’t done anything wrong; it was me acting like the crazy person. 

By the end of the evening I was already half asleep. All crazy side effects aside, I just felt no excitement about Ray.  He was handsome enough, he was chivalrous, he put up with my crack addict behaviour but there was just no part of me that wanted to see him again. I guess sometimes that’s just the way it goes.

He called us two cabs because he ‘ doesn't do public transport’ I found this hilarious but wasn’t going to complain about getting a ride home as I was exhausted. His cab came first and I convinced him it was ok to go. After all I had put him through I wasn't going to make him wait around any longer. My cab arrived soon after and I couldn’t get in fast enough. As I’m telling the driver where to go, I see barman leaning against the wall smoking. Gad dam he looks so sexy! He sees me and walks up to the window...
‘This guy was better than the last one strawberry’
‘That’s what you always order, a strawberry daiquiri’ I smile and tell him it’s my favourite drink. And he tells me I should call him! Was I dreaming or was this for real?! It didn't matter, I was enjoying the moment. He writes down his number on a piece of paper and hands it to me.

Before he leaves he says ‘Strawberries are gorgeous’


Anonymous said...

OOOh - so off the shizzle! Can't wait to find out what happens next. My finger nails are all chewed up, Cuz.

mark said...

This is the best Chez Gérard sequel yet, I laughed hard at this one. Can you top it though ?

Anonymous said...

Very funny! I have been reading your blog for some time now - it has brightened up my days. Thank you.

Dapo said...

Hahah. Great read. You life is a f*in adventure. Cheers mate!

adwoa said...

Just discovered your blog love it!!! This post had me laughing for a while I hope things go well with the dude from the bar :)