Tuesday, May 17, 2011


By this time I was broken. Totally and utterly broken. It was like someone had thrown me in a boxing ring without me knowing it. There I was taking hit after hit and not even realising why or how to protect myself from getting repeatedly hurt. Every time I got knocked down, I got back up more bruised than the time before until my body couldn't take it anymore. Until there I was, lying on the floor exhausted waiting for the beatings to stop. Totally and utterly broken. I couldn't even breathe without it aching. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping; I couldn't function properly at all. I just wanted to lie in bed with the covers over my head indefinitely. I was on the verge of a breakdown and not a pretend breakdown. Not what we say when we've had a hard day and we're fed up. My mind literally was unravelling. I went insane in the membrane (more about that later) If I were a celebrity, I would have been taken to rehab (and I mean Britney Spears style). But I'm not and therefore didn't have that luxury of being whisked away so that I could recover from my trauma. Like that dude from McFly who went into rehab because his girlfriend from The Saturdays dumped him for a football player. Like honestly…. MAN THE F*CK UP!  

Truthfully I was envious, because that’s what I wished I could do. But I couldn’t, I had to get up, I had to go to work and I had to carry on. In times like these my version of rehab is my friends. They gathered around me in force from the beginning to the very end, making sure I had all the support I needed to get me through it. I know that's what friends are for but still, I am forever grateful.

Once I had recovered as much as was possible, it was one of my friends that suggested that I try online dating. My first response was ‘Get Stuffed’ online dating is like giving up on any hope of meeting a guy in your every day life right? Surely this should be a last resort?! She tells me to think about it... So I did... And then forgot about it. Until one day I was on my way to work when someone handed me a flyer. I took it without even looking as I saw my bus ahead and knew if I missed it I'd be late for work. I must have dropped it without even realising because the next thing I knew the guy was shouting after me. I turn around and he's now following me.... I get to the bus and he's right behind me! He taps me on the shoulder and hands me the flyer AGAIN.... And there it was, all laid out for me as bright and as colourful as ever. 'Want to meet other singles join now!' Surely this was a sign right? The guy must have seen some kind of despair in my eyes to know I needed that flyer!

Online dating is basically a forum for you to advertise yourself. No two ways about it. It's like Hello look at me, I'm single, please apply within. You put up your best picture(s), write nice things about yourself and wait for a response......

I initially joined for three months but came off after about two and a half as it was quite exhausting at times. If you're going to do something like this, do it full throttle. The whole point is to meet people, so I was very proactive in suggesting meeting in person. I mean, I wasn't looking for a virtual pen pal! There's got to be a point where virtual reality becomes actual reality in regards to this online dating malarkey. I wouldn't suggest joining if you're still hurting from a previous relationship. Just because the contact you may have with the people you chose to talk and respond to may not be face to face, it doesn't mean that rejection isn't involved. Trust me there is a plenty! Therefore you need to be as whole and happy as you can be to allow people into your life and give them a fair chance. And be stable enough to take rejection. As is with everything in life I guess!

I came off the site having met a few really great people and seeing some amazing parts of London I never even knew existed. It allowed me to be random and spontaneous and have some great adventures. Don't get me wrong, I mean I did meet some total nutcases, but such is life!

All in all, Social networking seems to be the way forward these days.... Right?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

She found her Prince

As were most of the world, I too was watching the Royal wedding. Not really fussed about the whole thing I chose to work that day and therefore watched it online. So there I was watching the guests arrive and I was surprised to that see Lady Gaga had been invited. Oh no wait, it was Princess Beatrice with a huge pretzel on her head! Previous to which, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson waltzed in looking like a villainous character from a Marvel comic. Nevertheless, everything was fine and dandy until I saw Kate in her wedding dress and then I started to feel emotional. To be fair this is not uncommon for me while watching wedding programs, whether it be Don’t Tell the Bride or Wedding SOS or even My big Fat Gypsy Wedding I don’t care. I love them all. And no matter how hilarious or grotesque the actual wedding may be, I always start to tear up. And this was no different; there I was watching Kate in such a beautiful dress and I was doing just that.

When I was younger it all seemed so simple, I was so very certain that I would be married, it wasn’t even an option that I wouldn’t be. Back then I was in a long term relationship that lasted around seven years, it wasn’t perfect but nothing ever is, and we both thought we would get marry each other. I’ve never loved anybody the way I loved him, so passionately, so freely, so willingly, and so desperately. He was my breath, my joy, my sorrow, my pain, we were each others everything. He was my first ever love… Cue a break up that lasted about two of those seven years, a close call with insanity and figuring out who I was without him then fast forward a few years later and here I am... 

The older I get, the further away it all seems. I mean for a man to confess his undying love for me and propose. Ha! I'm lucky these days if I get a guy to take me to the cinema on Orange bloody Wednesday mate let alone commit to a bog standard relationship. Anyway, there I was watching her get married, tears streaming down my face. By the time her brother had finished his reading, I was blubbering like a child with the realisation that it may never happen for me. I'm not saying it won’t happen, I'm just thinking about all possibilities given the circumstances. Kate found her Prince, will I ever find mine?

Its all so typical, the guy you like doesn’t like you back, or he’s not ready for a relationship or he’s just generally a piece of shit! Or you meet a great fantastic guy but there’s just no spark at all and no matter how hard you try because you know he’s a great catch, you feel nothing. And now you’re the piece of shit because you have to tell this person, who you know will make a great amazing boyfriend, why you don’t want to be with him. Then comes the pain, of not knowing why someone you care about doesn’t feel the same way about you. The upset of being that person that doesn’t reciprocate and has to be the bearer of bad news. I can tell you one thing; neither gets any easier that’s for sure.

In one of the speeches it was said ‘... We are all incomplete…’ and it got me thinking…

By falling in love, our life, which we once thought was whole, is now more amazing because of this love we feel for this other person. This person that makes us see the world so very differently than we did before, this person that helps us realise who we can be and makes us feel like anything is possible. This person who we’re in love with, they’ve completed us, even though we may not have realised we needed to be.

Maybe this is why, no matter how many times our world gets turned upside down, no matter how many times we’re deceived, disappointed and lied to, no matter how many times we get hurt and feel the discomfort and soreness of heartache, we still pick ourselves up and piece ourselves back together emotionally and physically the best we can, so that we can try and carry on searching for our soul mate to make us feel complete.